i think i’m nervous. actually, i think i should be more nervous, but i know deep down i am quite scared. i started the whole fabled bowel cleansing part last night. it isn’t quite as violent or volcanic as i expected it to be. instead it’s only slightly continual after a point, largely irritating, and mostly just a wake-up call that, yes, this is happening.

tomorrow i’m going to the hospital. i don’t know what i’m most worried about: the wait before, the going under, the coming back up, the several days unable to move….. there is a lot to be worried about. there is quite a lot to be frustrated about as well. i want to go out, explore, see things, try and learn some of the language, but i can’t. it’s almost like i’m here to do a job and, whether i like it or not, a large patr of the contract goes directly against my desires. although, let’s be honest, the reason i’m doing this job is because of my needs, which should always come first.

i think the part that worries me the most is the cavity. the simple fact that a space is going to be created between my bladder and my bowel where a space didn’t exist before. that freaks me out slightly, although how else i’m going to wind up with a vaginal tract i don’t know. the next thing that worries me is the healing process. will all the particular parts take and hold and grow what they need to? while i’m largely nervous about the general and being out for several hours i’m more worried about the significance of doing that; i’m going to be totally out of control of what happens next. it’s scary for me.

but i also have a feeling i’m going to be fine. dr chetawutt seems thorough and profesional, friends who have seen him all seem happy, my own friends who have some experience in these matters say that the results of his work do look good.

considering this is such a momentous descision, there is very little else to say about it.

here’s to tomorrow evening.

love xx